When a relationship ends, everyone has their own ways of coping. Some people get a new hair style. Some re-arrange their entire home. Some book a holiday. Some download a dating app (or two). But what if you've done all of that?
Some of us end up standing in front of the fridge at midnight - every night as if called to prayer - staring into it as if the answer to "what now?" might be behind yesterdays take away left overs.
Because when a relationship ends, food can slide right into the DM's.
Though not literally, I'm pretty sure if my Deliveroo app could send a concerned little message saying "you okay?" it probably would. I mean, food starts becoming the thing we turn to; a comfort, a distraction, a routine, sometimes a way to feel like we're in control when everything else feels untethered.
A break-up can leave a space in your day almost as much as it leaves a space in your life. The person you used to message, the plans you used to make, the familiar rhythm of being part of a "we" - suddenly, all of that is gone or changing. And there you are, trying to work out what to do with the evening, your feelings, and the awkward fact that you still brought their favourite snack last week.
Food is immediate. It's there when the conversation you want to have can't happen anymore. It doesn't ask whether you're ready to move on, whether you've deleted their number yet, or whether you've checked their socials for the hundredth time that day. It offers comfort without needing a complicated explanation. Sometimes that is exactly what we want.
Sometimes, though, food is less about comfort and more about control.
A relationship ending can make you feel powerless. You may not have chosen the breakup. You may not understand why it happened. You might be left replaying conversations, wondering what you could have said or done differently. Food can become one area where there are clear choices; what to eat, when to eat, whether to eat at all. It can feel like taking charge of something when so much else feels out of your hands.
That can show up in different ways. Some of us reach for food more often, finding comfort in the familiar act of eating. Others lose their appetite, or feel compelled to become stricter with themselves. Sometimes we swing between the two, because feelings rarely arrive in a tidy, well-labelled box.
I've learnt that the urge to control my food can get louder when I'm trying not to feel the messier things; grief, anger, rejection, fear. Food becomes a project. A set of rules. A promise that if I can just get this part "right", maybe I'll feel less lost.
Sometimes, trying to control food too tightly can make it feel as though food is controlling us instead. The rules get stricter, our thoughts get louder, and one "slip" can start to feel like everything has gone wrong. What began as an attempt to feel steady can become another source of fear and pressure. Maybe finding balance isn't about tightening our grip, but noticing when control is costing me more than it gives - and reaching out for support when we need it.
But comfort and control aren't the whole story. Sometimes, after a relationship ends, we start looking for something - or someone - to fill the space it left behind.
But pain doesn't always respond to a plan. You ca make a perfect meal plan and still miss someone. You can skip dinner and still not get an answer to the question that's been keeping you awake. The breakup doesn't become more understandable just because you've found a new thing to manage.
Then there's the fear. The fear of being alone. The fear that the relationship ending means something about you. The fear that you won't find someone else, or that you'll make the same mistakes again. Food can be a way to soften that fear for a little while. It can give the evening a shape. It can fill the silence, even if only temporarily.
There can be comfort in having something reliable when everything else feels uncertain. But comfort and avoidance aren't always easy to tell apart. Sometimes I'm eating because I'm hungry. Sometimes because I'm sad or lost. Sometimes because it's 9pm and I've had a day. And sometimes I genuinely don't know what it is - and maybe I don't have to solve that mystery before I'm allowed to eat.
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