August 14th...
Today is day one...
My first official day as a singleton! Though it's a choice I'm making, it feels strange, overwhelming and oddly quiet. But there's excitement too. Excitement at what's to come on this discovery; what will I learn?
There's no-one to text "good morning" or share those small moments with like you do with your person. The space beside me feels empty. She wasn't even here last night but the space feels different now it's morning. More real. More empty. It feels both empty and heavy, a reminder of all that's ended -- and, maybe, all that's possible. A part of me does wish she was in that space, it wouldn't feel like space it would feel whole. But this new chapter is about facing facts and the fact is, she isn't.
I don't have a plan or a timeline. I don't know how long being on my own will feel like this, how long the silence will echo.
I'm choosing to face it with honesty. To sit with the discomfort, the fear, and the uncertainty. Because maybe from this stillness, I can finally hear what I really need; what I've been missing inside.
Day 1 is not about rushing to find someone or something to fill the space. It's about starting to build a life where I'm enough on my own. One small step towards learning to love myself -- not just when there's someone else around, but especially when there isn't.
Today, I'm just going to spend the day sitting with myself. Allowing whatever emotions comes up without judgement. Feeling the ache, the hope, the fear, and whatever else moves through me. I'll take it moment by moment, doing what I do as each minute comes, trusting that this is how the journey begins.
Here's to day one. The beginning of something new, raw and real.
I'm battling with this new venture in a way I didn't expect; whilst also not knowing what to expect. On one hand, I'm so determined to be single, to really focus on loving myself and rebuilding from the inside out. On the other hand, there's this acing longing -- I still want someone Right now, as I'm in bed with the cat and a coffee, it's her. The one with biggest smile I've ever seen, the smile that makes me smile. I want to be wanted by her; there's a comfort in being wanted. I want that comfort that comes with knowing there's someone there who sees me fully and still chooses me.
It feels like two opposing forces pulling at my heart. The fear of loneliness battles with the hope for companionship. The desire to be strong and independent coexists with the deep human need for connection.
I'm learning to hold both truths at once -- that it's okay to desire love and still choose to be single for myself right now. That wanting doesn't mean I'm weak. That needing someone doesn't erase my worth.
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